Whatever your Doing.....

Whatever your doing.....
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly....Sanctus Real


This is the state of my heart today.... I am broken ready to be fixed. But not a pitiful broken, but rather a brokenness that brings me joyfully to the foot of the cross where I can see love – perhaps for the first time in my life. Have you ever had that experience as a Christian, where you feel like you have been born again, again? Well, that is what the Lord is doing in my heart and words cannot even begin to describe it.

You see, there are parts of my own heart that are more cancerous than any tumor that could invade my body. There has been sin, guilt and shame there for the longest time that has never been truly dealt with, perhaps because it wasn’t God’s time, but I think more because I was not ready to deal with it myself. But recently, the Lord has indeed brought me to that place. Took everyone out of my path to talk to and forced me to talk to Him first and He has broken me and continues to break me. It is like a blindfold has been lifted off my eyes and I can see things (some really ugly things) in my heart that I have never before seen. The years I spent grieving for a little girl...The years I spent grieving for a teen who was broken and splintered....

Issues in my life have caused some of these ugly sinful patterns to come to the surface more and more. Guilt is a horrible thing and will cause you to linger in places you don’t want to be. It will cause you to be a person you don’t want to be. It’s funny how I can be pumped up to do something for God one minute and a seed of doubt or guilt creeps in and makes me want to crawl up in a ball and shut down. I had a dear friend tell me the other day when I wanted to quit “ Are we going to be on this same path next year? How many years are you gonna continue down this same path?” That made me think. Was I gonna give up when I am on the brink? I will admit things are becoming uncomfortable because this new path has caused me to finally deal with everything and not push it aside.

I was brought to a place where I just began crying out to the Lord and asking Him to break me open, asking Him to open up my eyes so that I can see ugliness that is keeping my heart from being wholly surrendered to Him. Asking Him to reveal and expose those things that are causing ill effect in my marriage and other aspects of my life, primarily my relationship with Him. And it all started with a heart’s cry of desperation, realizing that only the Lord can effect change in my heart for His glory. And so I cried out, “Lord, break me. Let me see the bitterness that has robbed You of Your glory and then let me see Your glory so that I will truly turn my heart to You in ALL ways. I am desperate!”

The Lord, who hears the cry of His children, heard the heart’s cry of this poor child trapped, and answered Her. Through His word and through my prayers, and by His grace, He broke my fragile heart wide open. And I wept, not like a baby, for a baby cries without really knowing why he or she is crying. No, I wept like a grown woman, a woman who hungers after God yet for the first time has seen such horrible grief in my life that has kept me from the very God I hunger after. Oh, I cannot express the grief that my heart experienced, and continues to experience. I have had times of falling down, overcome with grief (yet at the same time overcome with the knowledge of His love and mercy) and just crying like I’ve never known before.

So, I have had many many days as of late where I just weep as I realize how the sins of my past and my broken heart have kept me from receiving so much more of Him. And I also weep with the greatest thankfulness that He both loves me and is trying to set me free. It is like those blind people that Jesus healed that went in the temple walking, and leaping, and praising God or Mary who God healed of the spirits. For I have been one of those blind men and I am Mary. What can I do, but praise the One, the ONLY One, who is able to open the eyes of the blind and bring a dead heart back to life.

Some may think that I am sharing too much by talking about God exposing the past in my life and breaking me of years of bondage…I don’t care. Just like David said when he danced naked after the ark was returned to Jerusalem, “I will be even more undignified than this!” So I will not go dancing down the street naked, but I will show the nakedness of my soul that has been touched by my Savior for God is telling me don’t hide anymore. He has redeemed me and is setting me free. I cannot stay silent. I have been silent for too long.

I have lived 38 years of my life so far. I only pray that He gives me at least 39 more years so that I can live more than half of my life with this new found love and joy that I have found in my Savior. I have lived 14 years of marriage where I have been unable to give my whole heart to the man that I really love. I only pray that these 14 years are a tiny fraction of the years of marriage left where I can give my husband my entire heart .

As I was thinking about these things the other day, I said, “Lord, You have indeed answered my prayer asking You to break me open and reveal everything so that I would see it clearly. You have provided a place for me to go and heal. But now I want You to answer my prayer of showing me Your glory.” And as soon as I said this, I felt the Holy Spirit say, “I have shown You my glory by exposing the brokenness of the life you had and then covering it with my love.” Thank you Lord Jesus. May I continue down the path that you have set before me and not grow so weary that I won't continue on.

The Broken

The Broken

A woman had a troubling dream. In her dream she saw multitudes of people suffering from a terrible disease. They cry night and day and pleading for help.

Immediately, the woman went to the Healer and alerted him of her dream. To her surprise the Healer continued to attend to a woman kneeling at his feet.

“Can’t this wait?” the Woman snapped. “We have a lot of things to do.”

“But can’t you see? This woman’s heart has just been broken!” the Healer exclaimed.

“That’s just one heart!” the woman protested. “More people will suffer if we do not hurry.”

“That is where you are wrong,” the Healer replied. “All evil starts when we begin to ignore one heart. The moment you become comfortable watching a single soul die, you’d have set yourself numb to all other sickness around you. Before long, you wouldn’t even care if a whole multitude becomes stricken with death as multitudes of people consist only of individual souls. I am not here to save many. I am here to save all by saving one broken soul, one God-given soul at a time.”

Leaning on Him

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5,6


One of the hardest things for me is trying to understand things and life.  I struggle with understanding and trusting God sometimes.  It doesn’t come natural.  So many times, I’d rather be able to completely understand a situation and fully define it.  I like to have problems solved.  I feel more comfortable that way.

That’s a human characteristic and part of our nature that dates way back.  It is great to study and learn and try to figure out why and how things work.  That’s what we do in science and all its fields.  But there are some things we’ll never figure out. 

When we lean on our own limited understanding, doubt starts to creep in.  We can’t figure out the why’s and how’s and it causes us to struggle.  Sometimes we worry and fret so much about figuring things out that we lose sight of where we are and where we’re going – we can’t find our way, it seems.

Following God means trusting Him.  Trusting that He is in control.  Trusting that He knows what we feel and what we think.  Trusting that He is so much bigger than us.

I will be the first to admit I am terrible at waiting. (just ask my poor husband). Waiting on God and not leaning on my own understanding. This really made me stop and think. Do I rest in and trust Him completely, or do I hold back the things I would rather handle myself? Do I fail to seek His counsel or wait on His direction? All too often I know the humbling answer to those questions. I am thankful I was challenged to ask them again this week. I believe Proverbs 3:5-6 are verses to memorize. The difference that would make in my day.

So I plan on leaning on God and not leaning on my own understanding.

Healing

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

God in His soft gentle way said to me, “As a child you were not safe, you were hurt.” He drew me into the reel to reel scenes as the movie projector played images of memories stored. God is taking me to the deepest darkest places of my heart to restore me as He whispered, “I have always loved you. Rest here and listen. You were never alone.” – pulling me closer to the stories like a flashlight in a darkened room.

Bringing light to the pain.... The pain and the secrets held deep inside the heart of a child and teenager. A heart hidden.
I’m beginning to realize I don’t have to understand my past or why pain had to happen or why children are abandoned and left on their own..... Why children are abused......Why children are not loved....

I heard a speaker one day say, “instead of writing off our past, or discounting it, we should authenticate the role it has played in our lives.” (Joyce Meyer)

I am learning that my God is a God who will heal my broken heart. He is trying to heal mine and if I give in and just allow him to....My life experiences have defined me and who I will become.

Because of my story: I can walk alongside wounded people and understand their pain.
Because of my story: I can be a child advocate and say I understand your sad and broken heart.
Because of my story: I can be a better mother.
Because of my story: I understand the tears of abandonment, abuse and broken spirits.
It is my choice whether or not to be angry or bitter by what I had to go through.

I understand now that my past has a purpose. Without the pain and the years of emptiness the story would be different and I would be different. I wouldn’t have a heart for the things above.

God is bringing me to a place of vulnerability and transparency to tell my story for it has not been an easy journey to open up and share.

I am becoming thankful God is taking my brokenness and is moving me into a place of beautiful healing.

I am learning when you suffer a soul piercing hurt there is no quick method of healing. It’s a journey with God and learning the strength required to heal is something much greater than I and must come from above. Not only is the journey itself a thing of beauty, but the way He uses that journey to bring Glory to Himself is beauty beyond words. Humble me God to share my brokenness to reveal something beautiful in someone else.

HONESTY

HONESTY

“Be still, and know that I am God”
-Psalm 46:10

My relationship with God, much like my relationship with most people, tends to resemble a ribbon of DNA.

We don’t so much walk beside each other as I find I am always moving closer to or farther away from Him. The rare times when our paths are so close we actually intertwine seem to occur when I am at my lowest point. (Thus no close relationships in my life.)

It’s always just after my darkest hour that I find myself feeling the closest to God. I think, maybe, that’s because I am mostly likely to reach for God when I need something. Much like the child who calls for you in the night when they have a bad dream or don’t feel good but when it’s all better they move on like you don’t exist.

I’ve found myself missing that closeness lately. Partly, I suppose, because I know my family is bracing for news - good or bad, we don’t know. And partly, too, because I’m desperate to cling to the little piles of good I’ve managed to build in the last several months. But mostly, I think, because that’s what I was created for ... a closeness to The Place I Come From.

And so, I’m trying to pray.

Trying being the operative word.

“So… um… God. I… um…”

I turn down the radio, thinking maybe that will help with my concentration or communing or something.

“…I’m.. uh… here I am.”

I wait. I listen. The light turns green and I’m grateful to have something to do again.

Be still, and know that I am God.

Over and over again in my head I hear these words.

“OK, OK,” I answer. “I’m being still.”

….

“You know, maybe I’ll try to focus on what I’m grateful for. Give You thanks and stuff instead of constantly asking for something.”

I begin to mentally list off all the things I appreciate. Ethan. The kids. The ability to get up and do what I need to do.

Be still, and know that I am God.

I know this sounds strange – unless you’ve been in the same room with me at some point – but I fidget because I am that uncomfortable with myself. I hide behind sarcasm and dry jokes – but I kind of get the feeling God is trying to very nicely tell me to shut up and once again be still and know that I am God.

And I’m trying. I am. But I don’t do still well. Every time I try to be still, my mind just moves ten times faster to make up for my physical stillness. Which normally is just fine because there are a lot of things I can do and say all inside my own head, but it’s really hard to hear with all that constant internal noise.

I want very much to hear.

Be still, and know that I am God.

While looking up what verse those words came from to write this post – because, yes, I am exactly that awesome of a Christian, thanks. (Sarcasm again)

Be weak, and know that I am God.

I’m kind of tempted to run with that idea. Weak I can do. Weak I can do fabulously. I excel at weak! I am so weak that I am weak in flesh and in spirit, baby!

But I kind of think that may just be me dodging the uncomfortable. Which would make sense because of me being weak and all. Ahem. ANYway.

Still.

Be still.

Be still, and know that I am God.

I’m trying. I’m really, really trying. But I don’t seem to have the faintest idea how to actually do it.

I believe God is doing a epic battle inside of me. A battle He started on Jan. 29, 2010. A battle where He is saying I will not lose you again. No that is not my day of salvation but my day of a different deliverance. A deliverance of God wanting me to give it all to him and to trust he can heal all in time.

Be still and know that I am God and that is what I am trying to do right now.