HONESTY
“Be still, and know that I am God”
-Psalm 46:10
My relationship with God, much like my relationship with most people, tends to resemble a ribbon of DNA.
We don’t so much walk beside each other as I find I am always moving closer to or farther away from Him. The rare times when our paths are so close we actually intertwine seem to occur when I am at my lowest point. (Thus no close relationships in my life.)
It’s always just after my darkest hour that I find myself feeling the closest to God. I think, maybe, that’s because I am mostly likely to reach for God when I need something. Much like the child who calls for you in the night when they have a bad dream or don’t feel good but when it’s all better they move on like you don’t exist.
I’ve found myself missing that closeness lately. Partly, I suppose, because I know my family is bracing for news - good or bad, we don’t know. And partly, too, because I’m desperate to cling to the little piles of good I’ve managed to build in the last several months. But mostly, I think, because that’s what I was created for ... a closeness to The Place I Come From.
And so, I’m trying to pray.
Trying being the operative word.
“So… um… God. I… um…”
I turn down the radio, thinking maybe that will help with my concentration or communing or something.
“…I’m.. uh… here I am.”
I wait. I listen. The light turns green and I’m grateful to have something to do again.
Be still, and know that I am God.
Over and over again in my head I hear these words.
“OK, OK,” I answer. “I’m being still.”
….
“You know, maybe I’ll try to focus on what I’m grateful for. Give You thanks and stuff instead of constantly asking for something.”
I begin to mentally list off all the things I appreciate. Ethan. The kids. The ability to get up and do what I need to do.
Be still, and know that I am God.
I know this sounds strange – unless you’ve been in the same room with me at some point – but I fidget because I am that uncomfortable with myself. I hide behind sarcasm and dry jokes – but I kind of get the feeling God is trying to very nicely tell me to shut up and once again be still and know that I am God.
And I’m trying. I am. But I don’t do still well. Every time I try to be still, my mind just moves ten times faster to make up for my physical stillness. Which normally is just fine because there are a lot of things I can do and say all inside my own head, but it’s really hard to hear with all that constant internal noise.
I want very much to hear.
Be still, and know that I am God.
While looking up what verse those words came from to write this post – because, yes, I am exactly that awesome of a Christian, thanks. (Sarcasm again)
Be weak, and know that I am God.
I’m kind of tempted to run with that idea. Weak I can do. Weak I can do fabulously. I excel at weak! I am so weak that I am weak in flesh and in spirit, baby!
But I kind of think that may just be me dodging the uncomfortable. Which would make sense because of me being weak and all. Ahem. ANYway.
Still.
Be still.
Be still, and know that I am God.
I’m trying. I’m really, really trying. But I don’t seem to have the faintest idea how to actually do it.
I believe God is doing a epic battle inside of me. A battle He started on Jan. 29, 2010. A battle where He is saying I will not lose you again. No that is not my day of salvation but my day of a different deliverance. A deliverance of God wanting me to give it all to him and to trust he can heal all in time.
Be still and know that I am God and that is what I am trying to do right now.
