Whatever your Doing.....

Whatever your doing.....
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly....Sanctus Real


This is the state of my heart today.... I am broken ready to be fixed. But not a pitiful broken, but rather a brokenness that brings me joyfully to the foot of the cross where I can see love – perhaps for the first time in my life. Have you ever had that experience as a Christian, where you feel like you have been born again, again? Well, that is what the Lord is doing in my heart and words cannot even begin to describe it.

You see, there are parts of my own heart that are more cancerous than any tumor that could invade my body. There has been sin, guilt and shame there for the longest time that has never been truly dealt with, perhaps because it wasn’t God’s time, but I think more because I was not ready to deal with it myself. But recently, the Lord has indeed brought me to that place. Took everyone out of my path to talk to and forced me to talk to Him first and He has broken me and continues to break me. It is like a blindfold has been lifted off my eyes and I can see things (some really ugly things) in my heart that I have never before seen. The years I spent grieving for a little girl...The years I spent grieving for a teen who was broken and splintered....

Issues in my life have caused some of these ugly sinful patterns to come to the surface more and more. Guilt is a horrible thing and will cause you to linger in places you don’t want to be. It will cause you to be a person you don’t want to be. It’s funny how I can be pumped up to do something for God one minute and a seed of doubt or guilt creeps in and makes me want to crawl up in a ball and shut down. I had a dear friend tell me the other day when I wanted to quit “ Are we going to be on this same path next year? How many years are you gonna continue down this same path?” That made me think. Was I gonna give up when I am on the brink? I will admit things are becoming uncomfortable because this new path has caused me to finally deal with everything and not push it aside.

I was brought to a place where I just began crying out to the Lord and asking Him to break me open, asking Him to open up my eyes so that I can see ugliness that is keeping my heart from being wholly surrendered to Him. Asking Him to reveal and expose those things that are causing ill effect in my marriage and other aspects of my life, primarily my relationship with Him. And it all started with a heart’s cry of desperation, realizing that only the Lord can effect change in my heart for His glory. And so I cried out, “Lord, break me. Let me see the bitterness that has robbed You of Your glory and then let me see Your glory so that I will truly turn my heart to You in ALL ways. I am desperate!”

The Lord, who hears the cry of His children, heard the heart’s cry of this poor child trapped, and answered Her. Through His word and through my prayers, and by His grace, He broke my fragile heart wide open. And I wept, not like a baby, for a baby cries without really knowing why he or she is crying. No, I wept like a grown woman, a woman who hungers after God yet for the first time has seen such horrible grief in my life that has kept me from the very God I hunger after. Oh, I cannot express the grief that my heart experienced, and continues to experience. I have had times of falling down, overcome with grief (yet at the same time overcome with the knowledge of His love and mercy) and just crying like I’ve never known before.

So, I have had many many days as of late where I just weep as I realize how the sins of my past and my broken heart have kept me from receiving so much more of Him. And I also weep with the greatest thankfulness that He both loves me and is trying to set me free. It is like those blind people that Jesus healed that went in the temple walking, and leaping, and praising God or Mary who God healed of the spirits. For I have been one of those blind men and I am Mary. What can I do, but praise the One, the ONLY One, who is able to open the eyes of the blind and bring a dead heart back to life.

Some may think that I am sharing too much by talking about God exposing the past in my life and breaking me of years of bondage…I don’t care. Just like David said when he danced naked after the ark was returned to Jerusalem, “I will be even more undignified than this!” So I will not go dancing down the street naked, but I will show the nakedness of my soul that has been touched by my Savior for God is telling me don’t hide anymore. He has redeemed me and is setting me free. I cannot stay silent. I have been silent for too long.

I have lived 38 years of my life so far. I only pray that He gives me at least 39 more years so that I can live more than half of my life with this new found love and joy that I have found in my Savior. I have lived 14 years of marriage where I have been unable to give my whole heart to the man that I really love. I only pray that these 14 years are a tiny fraction of the years of marriage left where I can give my husband my entire heart .

As I was thinking about these things the other day, I said, “Lord, You have indeed answered my prayer asking You to break me open and reveal everything so that I would see it clearly. You have provided a place for me to go and heal. But now I want You to answer my prayer of showing me Your glory.” And as soon as I said this, I felt the Holy Spirit say, “I have shown You my glory by exposing the brokenness of the life you had and then covering it with my love.” Thank you Lord Jesus. May I continue down the path that you have set before me and not grow so weary that I won't continue on.